At my age baldness comes into focus. I donÆt mean that I am staring fixedly at the top of my head, only possible by using mirrors, itÆs just that the curse of creeping hairlessness is always with one. You look at everyone else who is going in the same direction and wonder how they are coping with the problem. All the variations of disguise and subterfuge are noted, marked and remembered.

When thinning begins, it usually starts on the crown of the head and is only visible from the rear. This is a most cruel state of affairs as every thing appears hunky dory from the front and it is so easy to forget that the smooth romantic Romeo that one sees in the mirror is more like a mad monk from the rear. Mark you it may not be all bad; the maddest monk of all, Rasputin, scythed his merry way through the ladies of the Russian Court in the early 1900s in spite of washing very infrequently.

Once the bald spot has arrived attempts begin to cover it. These vary from spray paint, through careful brushing and a change of style to the mini rug. Most opt for the careful brushing and the change of style. The style most commonly chosen is known as æThe Wind Tunnel.Æ This consists of growing the hair on the top of the head and brushing it straight back, relying on this to cover the bald spot. It usually requires some fixative, a gel or lotion to keep it in place. This style looks great and works very well when the general head of hair is still growing well and is vibrant.

What happens is that the hair on the top of the head continues to fall out and the bald spot continues to enlarge resulting in a less than generous cover up. This is when the knife begins to turn in the wound for the head may still appear hirsute from the front while the scalp pinkly puckers at the rear.

The next stage is when the heavy decision has to be made. When the top of the head becomes bare all is revealed. The choice is as stark, either the shaven head invented by Telly Savalas and now worn by Patrick Stewart in Star Trek or the up and over as worn by Sir Robert Charlton of Manchester United and England. The bone dome is uncompromising with right wing tendencies and tends to reflect bright light. It does however make a clear firm statement, æI am bald and proud of it!Æ. On the other head the hair from nowhere is an abomination from any angle and in any conditions. The ultimate in careful combing produces an effect like a demented walnut whip, stuck to the head with some noxious glue. The more exaggerated the whirling, the longer the hair needed. Thus when a zephyr blows and the glue comes unstuck the frenzied fronds flick ferociously around the now revealed head and come to rest on one shoulder like old seaweed. A lot of shovelling with the hands attempting to paste back the covering weave achieves nothing. This hair usually grown on one side of the head, occasionally at the back and sometimes but rarely on both sides. Where ever it comes from and however careful the drape this æMiracle HairÆ is a shabby attempt to recherchΘ temps perdu.

Almost as bad but forgivable in some circumstances is the bald crown and pony tail. This is an extension of the Samurai, a noble hair style worn by the fighting gentlemen of Japan. Whilst the Samurai is elegant and has an historical precedent the pony tail, even that sported by Karl Lagerfeld, has an air of making do about it. The longer the pony tail the scruffier the style becomes, the bald pate contrasting strangely with the hair lying on the back. This style is usually capped by a baseball cap to heighten the illusion of a wild head of hair.

Next the rug. Whatever they say and however much money is spent, rugs are rugs. The crudest are simply terrible, shrieking deceit and vanity. Those of bright ginger hue worn with aplomb over the remaining white hair shriek the loudest. The finest are almost more upsetting as they can deceive until a minute flaw becomes apparent and then the deception unravels.

So we are faced or rather everyone else is with accepting baldness gracefully. It is vexing in the extreme that the creator chose to cause hair to grow everywhere else but on the top of the head as part of the balding process. I think itÆs an ironic joke on the vanity of man. Not only are you going bald and therefore out of the æHunk of the MonthÆ ratings but you are being reminded daily that your body can still produce hair but not where you want it.

In my view the answer is hats. Hats worn at all times even in bed. I already have a collection of wearable hats and this is going to grow. I also have a collection of unwearable hats, you know the ones bought on holiday or when drunk or just plain silly like a chief fire officerÆs helmet. These will not be increasing.

Hats can be vulnerable. I once lost three in the space of an hour when on a sailing boat trying to leave Holland through the Rumpotsluuice, a massive lock, in a high wind. One was an immensely comfortable dark blue Navy beanie bought in an Army Surplus store in Skipton Yorks in 1979. It was made of the finest oiled wool and cost 30 pence. The second was a black cap commemorating the holding of the New South Wales surfing championship at Mollymook and the third was a standard NFL Green Bay Packers cap.

Hats for outside are easy. Hats for inside require more thought. Our own Prince Charles was wearing a rather fetching embroidered number when visiting a mosque last week. This sort of embellished skull cap is the answer. In fact I believe there is a business opportunity here. Over zealous air conditioning over cools the bald head and as we all know 30% of body heat loss occurs through the head. So elegant embroidered silk hats would add considerable comfort to those attending interminable meetings concerning new issues, council meetings etc. IÆm amazed that Hermes havenÆt cottoned on and produced a range of patterned titfers with tassels, like those worn as smoking caps in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.

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